Rocknrolloscopes: Your August Horoscope from The Mammoth Book of Sex, Drugs, and Rock n Roll

Rocknrolloscopes are the union of bibliomancy, divination through opening books to random pages and pondering the meaning of the phrases therein, and horoscopes, in that each sign does share certain commonalities, including planetary transits. Once a month I ask the Universe to lead my hands in opening the book to the right page for a month’s worth of good advice for each sun sign. My comments are in italics.

For August I am using The Mammoth Book of Sex, Drugs & Rock'N' Roll Edited by Jim Driver.

Aries (Mar. 22- April 21)
Elvis was bad enough, but Woman Love, with its overt sexual rage and frustration, and Gene's near orgasmic breathing on the slap echo vocal track was, ten times worse.
Feeling like being a little "bad," Aries? What seems a little bad to you may earn you a great deal of notoriety, but you're still not number 1. So think...is it worth it? How bad do you want to be? Need to be?

Go hang out with an Aquarius.

Taurus (April 22-May 21)
I saw him a week ago, I was hanging out with him in a club and he was partying and everything was fine. Most people I know were taken off guard. He didn't leave a note. I don't think was any real warning. You have to speculate as to why he did it.
One of your friends may surprise you. Forget the motives and deal with the consequences.

Gemini (May 22- June 21)
The blood has gone from my face and my lips were quivering. Tony pulled them away as calm as ever and they waved their fists and yelled. All I could shout was "fuck off."
Don't let fear push your buttons. You'll come off looking weak, ineffectual. So, feel the fear, let it go, and pretend everything is just fine.


Cancer (June 22-July 21)
The prince and his wife were at home in St. Catherine, relaxing in front of the television, when attackers smashed their way in through the french window and opened fire on the couple.
Your complacency will be challenged. And not just by Jamaicans.


Leo (July 22-August 21)
So he told me in detail every single item they were going to play, what key everything was in, what to look out from because there was no pre-look at anything. You went on, there was an audience there, you played. This guy told me everything so I went back to the hotel with four hours to spare, got in the shower and practiced until I was blue in the face.
If you going to be in the limelight, don't just wing it. Think, practice, prepare. People are watching you!


Virgo (August 22-Sept 21)
It was almost frightening, the reaction that came to Elvis from the teenaged boys. So many of them, through some sort of jealousy would practically hate him. There were occasions in some towns in Texas when we'd have to be sure to have a police guard because somebody'd always try to take a crack at him.
Sure, you're YOU. And they're just, you know, a buncha nobodies. But there are way, way more nobodies than the one YOU. YOU will need to call in the recruits.


Libra (Sept. 22-Oct 21)
Spade's biggest hit, "Shame, Shame on You," was recorded in 1945 and led to roles in a shitload of best forgotten films, including Chatterbox, Texas Panhandle, and The Singing Bandits, as well as gaining him his own radio and television series.
Something you are ashamed of may come to light. Run with it, or it will run with you. Just think of how Paris Hilton became famous because of sex tapes.

Scorpio (Oct 22-Nov. 21)
We didn't see much that we liked but Clint got a mountain man jacket and Ray found a buckskin shirt that Sean Connery had worn in Shalako, a dreadful British western, whose only saving grace was Brigitte Bardot who spent much of her time semi-clothed, rubbing herself up against this very shirt.
Go to rummage sales. You never know what you'll find. Maybe even sex.


Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
     And you don't give me Russian? And I'm giving you a World Anthem! A World Anthem, but not for the Russians! That makes me look like I'm stoopid! And I'm not stoopid
     But it was too late, and they wouldn't get me the translation. What could I do?
     I'm a victim of bureaucracy.

In an unfair situation, you will find success if let your actions speak louder than words.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Xmrb0TmGNU

Capicorn (Dec. 22- Jan 21)
"I'm Allen Ginsberg and I'm crazy." "My name is Peter Orlovsky and I'm crazy as a daisy." "My name is Gregory Corso and I'm not crazy at all." That had broken up the kid in Minnesota.
How is your crazy-meter working? You will need to use it soon. Who is making you laugh? Maybe it's not intentional.


Aquarius (Jan. 22-Feb. 21)
She was always a leader in street gangs, stealing and hellraising, and well-acquainted with the local whores. She had much affection for these women and respected them for the way they supported whole families and sometimes even their accidental children through college.
To be a good leader, you will have to find value in everyone on your team, even the "bad" or rebellious ones--they have better motives than you think. Go hang out with an Aries.

Pisces (Feb.22-Mar 21)
"What's the new name?" I asked.
"Man," said Ray.
"Man?" I said. I didn't like it. I liked the name Bystanders. I rather liked the idea of a bunch of chaps who happened to be standing around when something happened. Ray could tell I wasn't too keen on it.
..."And people say man all the time, man," he said, "Man, everybody'll be walking around and saying our name, man."
Pisces, you boggle the mind. But at least you don't stand around waiting for something to happen, right, man?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfVZJL5e1zI

Hope For Friday July 30th.

I did not listen to EVERY SINGLE band playing tomorrow night before making my choices. I listened to several headliners at likely clubs in NYC, including Bowery Electric, Southpaw, Otto's Shrunken Head, The Rodeo Bar, The Trash Bar and The Studio at Webster Hall.

I really love punk, roots rock and rock n roll. For me, that is where the fun is to be had. But I had to listen to so many indie darlings to find my favorite fun, I put my INDIE DARLING FAVE at the end of this entry.

Meanwhile, my pick for the most fun goes to...

The Trash Bar. Hub City Stompers headlining.



No Redeeming Social Value, who sing about drinking beer...



The best indie darling playing out this week is probably Makeout Party at The Bowery Electric.



COMING SOON:
MRS. INSTANT DEATH APOLOGIZES BETTER THAN BARACK OBAMA

THE MAX'S KANSAS CITY PHENOMENON--WHAT WAS IT, AND CAN IT BE RECREATED?

YOUR FUTURE TOLD IN BIBLIOSCOPES.

The Senders Get Me A Slightly Better Job.

"You got it WRONG!" My balding, 60 year-old Jewish boss yelled at me across the office. I would call him a wall of flesh, but he would've made very lumpy, convex wall. He owned the company. We sold beepers and cell phones on 42n St. and 9th Ave. in 1994.  It had a beeper with a happy face for a logo. How ironic. No one who worked there was happy.

 I had made some minor mistake in the data entry. The pimp who filled out the paperwork made a 6 look like an 8. Now I was going to get abuse. This had been going on for every day for a month and I wasn't getting used to it, but I wasn't ready or able to quit.

I remembered from college that sleep deprivation really dulled my feelings. Unlike drugs/alcohol, it was free and non addictive.

And I had just seen Simon and the Bar Sinisters play at the Continental till 4am. Well, why not go out every night? I tried guessing good bands by their names. It worked. A little. But before long I had trustworthy clubs. My weekly schedule looked something like this:


Monday, sleep

Tue., The Rodeo Bar

Wed., try something new

Thu., Ludlow St. Cafe for the all night blues jam

Fri., Simon at The Continental

Sat., Continental, if no boyfriend sincere attempt to get laid by someone who doesn't say anything stupid to me

Sun., Manny's Car Wash, just b/c it was near my apt.

My going-out look early 90s. Visiting my friend Kraiger's office.

The first time I saw The Senders, it must've been Thursday, because it was at the Ludlow St. Cafe, a white basement that had homey furniture. You might have thought you were in grandma's house if the punk or blues band hadn't been playing. It could not have been Wednesday, because  the band name"The Senders" sounded to me like it would be some kind of Doo Wop outfit.

Not so much. Doo Wop bands don't sing anything called, "My Baby Glows in the Dark":


Their groove was so tight and heavy, I immediately became a fan. I tried to see them every time they played. When I wasn't seeing bands or hadn't heard them for a long time, I often thought of this tune:

The Senders have a new cd with some great tunes on it, and recordings with Johnny Thunders.

My review is here. It has a radioactive glow.

Full disclosure: Not long after this, their drummer, Ned Brewster, became my new boss at a science fiction book store. I actually walked in the store and begged him for a job. Ned warned me not to work there, but I was desperate. He was right. But even after working there we still hung out at shows and talked.

About 15 years later, I called up their guitar player, Wild Bill Thompson, and we started going out. Yeah, that's pretty recent. And it's more proof the band is great. Because I can only hang at great shows. So only great musicians for me!

Billy Thompson and me. March 2010

You made it to the end of this blog! Your reward: the latest from The Senders CD, Devil Shooting Dice:

Hope for Saturday: The Siren Music Festival (7-16-10) Youtube Preview

Real Hope For Saturday

Holy Fuck. 8pm Stillwell Stage.

Full sound and a heavy groove with electronic music and guitar. So awesome!



Harlem (from Austin) 5:30 Stillwell Stage
Twangly guitar. Happy hippie vocals. Yay!



Earl Greyhound 4:30 Stillwell Stage
Strong vocals and great arrangements. Thought was put into this!



Ponytail 330 Stillwell Stage
This band is so frantic, their show could turn into one of those 60s "happenings"




Screaming Females 2pm. Main Stage
Punk with a lot of hard edges. And a little Devo feel thrown in.



Apache Beat 130pm Stillwell Stage.
Digging the original exotic, psychedelic sound!

Saturday--other.

Headlining--Matt & Kim 

Minimalist keyboard and drum duo. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Yg-CgIwaHs

Ted Leo and the Pharmacists

Power trio, who listened to Morrissey. A little.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSiDyYT7aIk

Night Marchers.

Reminds me of West Coast Old School rap.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFQYPocioXk

Surfer Blood

Descended from Nirvana, and not surf.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fHmMvVZtEg

Cymbals Eat Guitars

Listened to a lot of Smashing Pumpkins

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EuP4y0Dfyyk

Bring lots of sunscreen, or perhaps an umbrella. I mean, to keep the sun off you. Last year I made the mistake of wearing a studded t-shirt and ended up with burns across my chest as the metal studs conducted the sun's heat directly to my white skin. Some people in front of me had a cooler full of booze (probably not legal) and water. I spent hours behind them in a state of envy. This year--the cooler is coming too.

Best From White Trash Barbecue Hicksville, NY July 11, 2010

When I woke up on Sunday morning, I found a drop of fake blood on my glasses. And gray frosting on my jeans.

I had been to the White Trash Barbecue the day and night before. Held in the parking lot and outdoor bar of the Charles Ave. Cafe in Hicksville (wit or coincidence?), this sausage-fest featured several great acts, a few fights, free barbecue (more sausage!) a mighty Aphrodite salute...and cake in the shape of a garbage can.

The first band that got my attention was the White Trash Barbecue jam band, fronted by our host, Filthy Phil and Sean Crusher, guitarist from The Crusher.



I just set the camera down and danced. No I'm not sure what the title of the song was. I am just going to call it good hardcore. With a hard driving hook and good screaming.

The Skeevotz played a nice, authentically sloppy version of the Johnny Thunders' tune "One Track Mind." They were danceable. They had personality.  I would definitely see a show if they were on the bill.

THE SKEEVOTZ


They also put down one of the fastest, funnest covers of "Suspicious Minds" ever. Here they are, er, in the light. Somewhere else.



Visit their myspace: http://www.myspace.com/theskeevotz
You can fb friend them here. More of their music is on fb too.

The Crusher was the fastest, cleanest band of the night. They were also standup guys--they cut their set short so other bands would be able to play. And only broke out the wrestling moves when someone manhandled equipment.

I did get some video of them. I really don't like how it came out. My apologies.  Here they are at Trash Bar in 2009 doing "The Jones Crusher."



You can friend them on facebook here:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Crusher/175122176143

Of course the dried fake blood on my glasses was from the Afterbirth. And they kinda had to leave early because the bar owners got mad because we were experimenting with the aeronautic engineering of half-eaten cake.

Yes, they are wearing lucha libre masks, fake blood and depends. And soon, cake.

You can friend The Afterbirth here:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Afterbirth/148780671931

SACRED SONGS TOP 5

5. "Stay" by Maurice and the Zodiacs



Longing! Lust! Rhythm! Yes! Yes!! YES!!

4. Cobrastyle by The Teddybears STHM feat. Mad Cobra



De dang-y dang diggy diggy. Happy songs about being a bad ass cheer me up! And it has a sample of "Good Thing" by Fine Young Cannibals. I am glad that song finally went to good use.

3. "Nervous Breakdown" by Black Flag



I had to give #3 a lot of thought. For a few hours it was "Telling Them" by Social Distortion, but I have had too much experience being crazy for that to last. A know a few blues songs that could go here on merit alone, but they never became part of my soundtrack to life. I started listening to this in 1988, but I wrote my first short story about going crazy in 1985.

2. Weird Revolution by The Butthole Surfers



My manifesto. With freeky beats. Here are lyrics, because it's just too important.

The so-called weirdos in this country stand as completely freaked out by the normal man as the normal man is completely freaked out by the weird masses reaction to him.

Were true-er words ever spoken? I think not!


1. "Crazy Date" by The Senders


I got into this tune in 1994 at the Ludlow St. Cafe, and have always thought of The Senders version as having the best, sexiest groove of all songs. Ever.

SACRED 25--Songs I Can't Live Without #15-6

15. Aloha Steve and Danno, by Radio Birdman

Couldn't go without a '70s tv theme song. Since I watched so much tv.

14. Wild Ride by Instant Death

Incredible bass! Amazing drums! Sleazy lyrics! And that's it! Revenge of the rhythm section.

13. Even If You Don't... by Ween

About loving an addict

Please don't touch my phone book
My friends are getting pissed off
Wake 'em in the morning
Acting like a jerk off

I love you - even if you don't
You've got your knife up to my throat

Why do you want to see me bleed?

I have to confess it was a difficult choice between this, Dr. Rock, Marble Tulip Juicy Tree, and Japanese Cowboy. Just go buy "Paintin' the Town Brown" by Ween. You will be so happy you did.

12. Helter Skelter by The Beatles

Who knew the Beatles did metal?

11. You Hate Me and I Hate You

Jimmy Reject gave me this song and "I Wanna Fuck Myself," which famously begins "lookin' at all you girls out there tonight, I'd rather fuck myself." He thought he was going to scare me. I thought this stuff was hilarious. And I was glad someone was telling the truth.

10. Ride the Wild Gowanus by Simon and the Bar Sinisters

Yes, that is him surfing. But not in the Gowanus canal, the Brooklyn 'canal' that is so polluted the National Guard has to come in. I saw Simon play this song every week live for a whole year, I think.

9. Baby Let's Play House performed by Buddy Holly

I'm addicted to this song. If I don't hear it once or twice a week, I start wondering what's wrong with me.

8. Countdown Love by The Waldos

3-2-1--yeah! 100% fun!

7. Keys to Your Heart by The 101ers

6. Stranded in the Jungle

It's so Bugs Bunny

The boys in the jungle had me on the run
When something heavy hit me like an atomic bomb
When I woke up and my head started to clear
I had a strange feeling I was with cooking gear
I smelled something cookin and I looked to see
That's when; I found out they was a cookin me
Great Cuckoo let me outta her
Meanwhile back in the states

Tomorrow: The final 5, the best of the best!

SACRED 25--Songs I Can't Live Without #20-16

20. Jailhouse Rock by Elvis

my first crush. I was 4, and danced this record till it was all scratched. Jeez, I am still the same.

19. "Bad Like Jesse James"

The baddest blues song ever. Such a dangerous hook!

They gonna tie yo' hands
They gonna tie yo' feet
They gonna gag your throat
Where you can't holler none

An cryin' won't help you none
Set you in the water
Yeah, the bubbles comin' up.
Whoa
Rrrrrrr
Rrrrrrr

18. Sister Ray by the Velvet Underground.

Probably the origin of punk. Plus the rhythm of this song is what I hear in my head when I am not listening to music.

17. Baby Please Don't Go by Them

When that harp wails at the end of the bridge my heart just cries out along with it.

16. White Man at Hammersmith Palais

Peace message from Joe Strummer. With great backing oooos. I first heard this when I was 17 on The Clash's self titled album.

"White youth, black youth

Better find another solution
Why not phone up Robin Hood
And ask him for some wealth distribution"

This is a countdown everybody! The tracks will be more and more amazing. Stay tuned for tomorrow--15-11!

SACRED 25--Songs I Can't Live Without

Bunche wrote the 25 songs he couldn't live without.

Here are mine. Some of them are new. I don't know what I did before them. Some are old, and I wouldn't be the same person without them.

25. Naked Raygun--Surf Combat

"Muscle beach is now pork chop hill"

These guys honestly sound like a high school jazz band who went punk.

24. Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar on Me

cheesy enough to make me want to give blow jobs in high school. How can that be bad?

23. Sheena is a Punk Rocker by the Ramones

I heard this in high school and it gave me high hopes for my future as a punk rocker...and they came true!

22. Stop the Rock by Apollo 440

I don't care what this video is showing. This song is about dancing at The Limelight while on coke. And hey! Listen to that theremin and beach boys' back up samples!

21. Mas by Kinky

Now, I first heard this in surround sound in a movie theater at the end of "Man on Fire" and I felt like I was INSIDE the upright bass. I love upright bass. Most of the lyrics are "We want more and more" And then I think it says "the voice goes and goes"

Okay. I'm gonna dance now.

Tomorrow: 20-16!