Saturday, July 31, 2010

Rocknrolloscopes: Your August Horoscope from The Mammoth Book of Sex, Drugs, and Rock n Roll

Rocknrolloscopes are the union of bibliomancy, divination through opening books to random pages and pondering the meaning of the phrases therein, and horoscopes, in that each sign does share certain commonalities, including planetary transits. Once a month I ask the Universe to lead my hands in opening the book to the right page for a month’s worth of good advice for each sun sign. My comments are in italics.

For August I am using The Mammoth Book of Sex, Drugs & Rock'N' Roll Edited by Jim Driver.

Aries (Mar. 22- April 21)
Elvis was bad enough, but Woman Love, with its overt sexual rage and frustration, and Gene's near orgasmic breathing on the slap echo vocal track was, ten times worse.
Feeling like being a little "bad," Aries? What seems a little bad to you may earn you a great deal of notoriety, but you're still not number 1. So it worth it? How bad do you want to be? Need to be?

Go hang out with an Aquarius.

Taurus (April 22-May 21)
I saw him a week ago, I was hanging out with him in a club and he was partying and everything was fine. Most people I know were taken off guard. He didn't leave a note. I don't think was any real warning. You have to speculate as to why he did it.
One of your friends may surprise you. Forget the motives and deal with the consequences.

Gemini (May 22- June 21)
The blood has gone from my face and my lips were quivering. Tony pulled them away as calm as ever and they waved their fists and yelled. All I could shout was "fuck off."
Don't let fear push your buttons. You'll come off looking weak, ineffectual. So, feel the fear, let it go, and pretend everything is just fine.

Cancer (June 22-July 21)
The prince and his wife were at home in St. Catherine, relaxing in front of the television, when attackers smashed their way in through the french window and opened fire on the couple.
Your complacency will be challenged. And not just by Jamaicans.

Leo (July 22-August 21)
So he told me in detail every single item they were going to play, what key everything was in, what to look out from because there was no pre-look at anything. You went on, there was an audience there, you played. This guy told me everything so I went back to the hotel with four hours to spare, got in the shower and practiced until I was blue in the face.
If you going to be in the limelight, don't just wing it. Think, practice, prepare. People are watching you!

Virgo (August 22-Sept 21)
It was almost frightening, the reaction that came to Elvis from the teenaged boys. So many of them, through some sort of jealousy would practically hate him. There were occasions in some towns in Texas when we'd have to be sure to have a police guard because somebody'd always try to take a crack at him.
Sure, you're YOU. And they're just, you know, a buncha nobodies. But there are way, way more nobodies than the one YOU. YOU will need to call in the recruits.

Libra (Sept. 22-Oct 21)
Spade's biggest hit, "Shame, Shame on You," was recorded in 1945 and led to roles in a shitload of best forgotten films, including Chatterbox, Texas Panhandle, and The Singing Bandits, as well as gaining him his own radio and television series.
Something you are ashamed of may come to light. Run with it, or it will run with you. Just think of how Paris Hilton became famous because of sex tapes.

Scorpio (Oct 22-Nov. 21)
We didn't see much that we liked but Clint got a mountain man jacket and Ray found a buckskin shirt that Sean Connery had worn in Shalako, a dreadful British western, whose only saving grace was Brigitte Bardot who spent much of her time semi-clothed, rubbing herself up against this very shirt.
Go to rummage sales. You never know what you'll find. Maybe even sex.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
     And you don't give me Russian? And I'm giving you a World Anthem! A World Anthem, but not for the Russians! That makes me look like I'm stoopid! And I'm not stoopid
     But it was too late, and they wouldn't get me the translation. What could I do?
     I'm a victim of bureaucracy.

In an unfair situation, you will find success if let your actions speak louder than words.

Capicorn (Dec. 22- Jan 21)
"I'm Allen Ginsberg and I'm crazy." "My name is Peter Orlovsky and I'm crazy as a daisy." "My name is Gregory Corso and I'm not crazy at all." That had broken up the kid in Minnesota.
How is your crazy-meter working? You will need to use it soon. Who is making you laugh? Maybe it's not intentional.

Aquarius (Jan. 22-Feb. 21)
She was always a leader in street gangs, stealing and hellraising, and well-acquainted with the local whores. She had much affection for these women and respected them for the way they supported whole families and sometimes even their accidental children through college.
To be a good leader, you will have to find value in everyone on your team, even the "bad" or rebellious ones--they have better motives than you think. Go hang out with an Aries.

Pisces (Feb.22-Mar 21)
"What's the new name?" I asked.
"Man," said Ray.
"Man?" I said. I didn't like it. I liked the name Bystanders. I rather liked the idea of a bunch of chaps who happened to be standing around when something happened. Ray could tell I wasn't too keen on it.
..."And people say man all the time, man," he said, "Man, everybody'll be walking around and saying our name, man."
Pisces, you boggle the mind. But at least you don't stand around waiting for something to happen, right, man?

1 comment:

  1. As a Pisces I have to say I have been trying to boggle people's minds for years! I am glad someone finally noticed!